Where do I begin?? The fact that I am finally able to write to you is an accomplishment in itself! I know you have all be waiting in impatient anticipation, and I promise I haven't been making you wait on purpose. So here we go - the story...
Dark clouds full of monsoon rain filled the skies Tuesday night. As we prepared to make our way to the hospital for my scheduled induction at 10:00 pm, the heavens let loose a downpour accompanied by a lightning show. Upon arriving at the hospital we learned that it seems women's water always breaks when the rain pours! It was a busy maternity ward that night. What do you know... mine broke as soon as we got into the room! Something about the gravitational pull?
We got settled in as I got hooked up to the IV and pitocin. That stuff worked quickly for me! It didn't take much to send me into contractions, and labor was underway. As they came stronger and stronger, I practiced my breathing techniques. All the while I tried to sink in the realization that I was having a baby. I must have said it a hundred times - "I can't believe I'm having a baby..." It was just so surreal.
My original intention was to attempt a natural delivery, free of the drugs. I wanted to know what it would be like and also to prevent any possibility of the drugs passing through to Isaac or slowing the labor down. Well, after what seemed like an eternity with the contractions getting stronger and stronger, my nerves were already getting the better of me. I was really tense, and no matter how much I tried to stay calm or relax for what was ahead, it was to no avail.
So... after discussing it with Kevin, he helped me to think through it all. In the end I decided that an epidural would be a good idea to help me to stay calm and relaxed and enjoy this process. I felt satisfied with the amount of contractions that I felt and could say that I've experienced labor just fine, thank you. Also, after talking it over with the nurse, I was reassured that it would not harm Isaac. And my labor was progressing at such a rate that it was not suspected that the epidural would slow things down.
We ordered the epidural expecting it to take about an hour or so. Instead we were introduced to the anesthesiologist ten minutes later! I was really afraid of what was to come next, but as Kevin put it, "Enduring the temporary discomfort of a needle is far better than hours of intense labor, right?" Right. Okay, let's do it.... now, next to pushing Isaac out, what came next was likely the most scary and painful part of my labor experience! Not only was I supposed to sit hunched over during contractions as this man stuck a long needle into my back, I was supposed to stay calm while doing so! I tried my best, but I shook uncontrollably as he proceeded with the poking. Mom and the nurse held me up while Kevin watched from behind. (I don't know how he's able to stomach so much!) Although the anesthesiologist was proclaimed to be great, he had a hard time getting that needle to go straight. At one point I asked with intense pain in my voice, "Am I supposed to feel it so far to the left??!!!!" It seemed like an eternity, but he finally got it right after three attempts to straighten the needle out, and it was done.
That was horrible. But... I am thankful I got the epidural. First of all, I wasn't as interested in getting up and walking around as I thought I would be, so being confined to the bed was fine with me. Second, it allowed me to relax and actually SLEEP through most of my labor! In hindsight, I think that's what enabled me to squeeze out a near 10 pound boy! I know I wouldn't have been able to do that without all the rest. And in the end, the epidural didn't seem to be that strong because I was able to feel the pressure and faint contractions as I neared time to push. By that time, it seemed I was feeling everything as I struggled to get Isaac out.
We only had one little scare during my labor. Mom was out making a call to Dad to update him on my progress. Kevin and I were napping. All of a sudden three nurses rushed in and woke me abruptly. "You need to turn on your side right now!" one said. Kevin jumped awake and I groggily complied with the nurse's command. The three descended upon me as they proceeded to replace the external fetal heart monitor with an internal one. When it was done, they stood watching Isaac's heartbeat with anticipation. It was after he stabilized that Maureen, our primary nurse, explained that his heartbeat had dropped too low during a contraction.
After twelve hours the time was nearing to begin pushing. I was starting to feel the pressure of Isaac's descent with each new contraction. Time to wake up! At 11:50 am, I started the final stretch. It was a slow start because I wasn't pushing as hard as I could. The nurse kept coaching me to bear down and push harder... I knew I was holding back. Finally I confessed to her that I was afraid of having an accident on the table. She was sensitive to my concern but told me that I needed to give it all I could to encourage Isaac down the birth canal. So to help me focus she covered me up further down there and said, "There, now no one will know if you do or not." She was great. :) I appreciated that.
Remember that mirror I said I didn't want? Well, as I progressed it was actually helpful having it to help motivate me to keep pushing. I only had it there shortly before I said, "Take it away!!" But for the while that it was there, and I could see a glimpse of Isaac's dark head, it helped me to stay focused and encouraged that we were progressing. With Kevin to my left and Mom at my head, I had two amazing coaches who helped me through. Although it felt good to push, it was starting to hurt more and more with each round. Kevin took over the counting, and at one point was counting too slow. I felt like my head was going to explode while pushing so hard for so long, between contractions I finally strained out a command, "Kevin you gotta count faster!!!!!! You're going too slow!!!!!!!" After that, he was perfect.
The Lord was my other gentle and consistent coach during Isaac's delivery. We had the radio set to KLOVE, and as worship music poured from the speakers, I was able to stay grounded and encouraged throughout the struggle. I truly felt His presence as He coached me. I heard his voice gently leading me and encouraging me, keeping me from near despair. His words were echoed through the music, which spoke to my soul.
After an hour of pushing, it was time to call the doctor in. Little did we know that I was one of four women giving birth within a 20 minute window!! Finally Dr. Lindstrom was in and ready to catch a baby. Pushing was getting very difficult by this point. I couldn't tell that I had had an epidural, it seemed I was feeling everything. Whether that was normal or not, I was getting tired and feeling a lot of pain by now. My silent pushing led to moaning, which eventually led to grunting (I'm told. I don't remember some of this next phase of pushing. I think I must have gone to some happy place since I had my eyes tightly clamped shut for the remainder of the delivery.) Just when I cried out, "I can't do this!" Dr. Lindstrom responded with, "Compose yourself, and push hard one more time!" That helped pull me back from giving up, and with one more strong push, Isaac was out!
I looked down in disbelief at my new baby boy. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I looked at Kevin, and he was crying too. I just couldn't believe all of this was happening, again thinking "I just had a baby!" I held my breath waiting for that first cry. Kevin had the honor of cutting the umbilical cord, and then they lifted Isaac onto my chest. I will never forget this next moment, our first moment. Isaac peeked out of one eye at me, and we made eye contact. He slowly opened the other eye and laid there, just staring into my eyes. Time stood still in that moment.
It's been 8 days now, and I'm not going to lie, it's been rough. Today I can sit semi-comfortably for the first time! And I can actually walk around! It's great. I will never take that for granted again... I am finally starting to feel like myself again. Isaac has been an incredibly good baby, and I find so much joy in simply holding him and watching his different facial expressions. He is really attentive! And that was confirmed yesterday at his one week check up. As his pediatrician held him, Isaac studied her face intently. Noting how he stayed focused on her face for so long, she commented that he is a very intelligent baby. She said that this is how babies learn, by face to face interaction. Although he has dropped to 8 lbs, 10 oz, which is normal, it came as no surprise that he is in the higher percentile for his weight and length. He's a healthy boy!
Even though I've been in extreme discomfort from my epesiotomy and other recovery issues, I have treasured this last week with Isaac. It's been amazing to learn about his already developing personality. He is sometimes impatient and easily frustrated, but he is very persistent and determined. He doesn't give up easily. He already loves routine and structure, and if I do anything out of order he gets out of sorts. He's also a cuddler and loves to be held. Even though we may regret this later, I've discovered that he sleeps best when he sleeps with his Momma... and as a result Mommy and Daddy sleep better too!
My little boy is so precious. That's all I can say... a true blessing from the Lord that I will always cherish and be thankful for.
I went out with Noni and Mom for some good ol' pedicures.
Daddy's future golfer
Dr. Joe with Isaac
