Soaking in some quiet time to myself before finally hitting the sack. I'm exhausted and I know I should be sleeping, but I need this time without my little koala bear clinging to me. Kevin is up north again on a job, so I'm on my own tonight. He left early this morning, and today has been lonely without him but I got through it just fine. I got to hang out with Autumn today and we made it through Old Navy with Isaac sleeping peacefully the whole time. That was fun... nice to shop for some normal clothes for a change (even though I'm sad at what size I am right now). And then Jake and Jaimie came over tonight and we had dinner and watched TV. I have great friends.
Isaac is in this new phase where he just wants me to hold him 24-7. It's endearing that he knows who I am and loves being in my arms... and quite satisfying to know that when he's like this I'm the only one that can make him happy... and I've gotten pretty skilled at doing things with one hand... and I love cuddling with him... but (and you knew this was coming) it's exhausting! I've started calling him my little koala bear because that's basically what he is right now. Nothing makes him happier than to cling to momma. He's already mastering the art of looking up at me with big puppy dog eyes and quivering lip. What's a mother to do? It melts my heart!
Expending so much energy caring for Isaac has left me tired and restless. It's in the quiet times like this that Anxiety, my great nemesis, creeps back into my heart. I feel myself getting nervous and anxious, although I'm not sure what about. Perhaps it's the clock ticking away these last weeks I have solely with Isaac before returning to work. These weeks have been going by like sand between my fingers. I can't believe Isaac is already 6 1/2 weeks old. It seems like we just brought him home yet we've had him forever. I just don't like the thought of leaving him to go back to work. I'm really going to have separation anxiety - I already do! Please pray for me in this area.
There are several phases in life, and after marriage this is the biggest one - having your first child. I am admittedly slow to adjust to change, and although we've come a long way already, I still feel the dust settling in this one. I still feel overwhelmed by my emotions at times and still feel nervous about all of the unknowns... I feel it stealing my joy sometimes. I'm telling you, anxiety is like the thorn in my side. If there's one thing I struggle with the most it's this.
Lord, you know my heart. You know my battle. You are my Creator, and nothing about me takes you by surprise.
I have been distant, I know. Preoccupied with Isaac... consumed by taking care of him first above everything else... including You. I'm learning self-sacrifice in a new way as I continually put Isaac's needs above my own. This is good, but I know that in doing so I have also been neglecting my time with YOU. Cal reminded us this week about what it really means to be a follower of Christ. And He read Jesus' words about loving Him above everything and everyone else, including your family. I need to put Jesus before Isaac, and for me right now this is in the form of spending time with You when the opportunity presents itself. I hunger for you.
I need You. I'm sorry I've been distant. I want to be near You again. Would You please meet me here? I feel so anxious right now. I feel incomplete. There is something gnawing at my heart, and I finally admit the absence of peace that only comes from You.
Please be with me tonight.
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7 comments:
I definitely understand your feelings Rachel...you're not alone! About the koala...we bought a Moby Wrap, and Josiah loves it...and it frees up both your hands! There are no rings (which I heard can be a pain) and it evenly distrubutes his weight across your back (this is what I'm told any way, I still can't use it becuase of my incision, but Eric and my sister really like it). So, the website is www.mobywrap.com if you want to chec it out...
Good to hear from you! :) Thanks for the suggestion... I have a sling from my cousin Tia; she has her own business making them, and it's really great. I was finally able to use it yesterday, and it was so helpful! Up until then Isaac didn't like it so much, but I think I finally won him over on the idea. :)
Rachel
Yes ... the sling! A true help! Eli was a clinger. Helped when you needed to actually use two hands!!
And the anxiety is normal. I cried and cried when I left Joshua at "baby prison" (okay ... daycare) after I went back to work. Several days into it though ... that became a "new normal" and I adjusted and so did he! Don't discount your hormones in all of this too ... your body is adjusting in big ways!
Oh Rachel! We love you so much and are praying for you. Anxiety is my nemesis as well. I battle it all the time. I especially did after having my babies. Hormones playing into the mix just made it worse. I am just so glad that you and Kevin are so strong in Christ. Our Lord is so stong when we are "weak." We are praying for you constantly, dear. It is so good to blog your feelings sometimes, too, so that all of us can help to lift you up. Love you, sis!~~Amy
Snuggling is wonderful, but constant holding kills your arms, neck and back. I am still paying for it :) This time will most likely pass though. My first was really tough and I was too sensitive - with my second, I just couldn't get to her right away, and she had to deal with a few minutes to herself. But I understand how you feel. I think of you often. thanks for sharing your thoughts, I am glad you have caring friends to keep you company when Kevin has to be away ~ love Krysten
wow rach... just know that i've been there and know exactly what that feels like. know it's a season.
Love you, Rachel. Praying for you and wishing that I could just drop in to hug you and Isaac.
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